My weight story

My entire adult life I was overweight.  Well seriously I was obese.  When I was first injured I weighed about 260lbs and I am 5'5.  I was 29 years old then.  This was not healthy.  It was always an undertone of the doctors, if you were not so fat you wouldn't have so much pain and you could recover a lot easier.  I really took this to heart because I wanted to get better.  I did not want to be in pain.  I wanted to do everything I could.  I joined weight watchers.  I learned to control my portions and eat healthier. 

I was able to lose about 120lbs.  The first 80lbs came off fast like around 6 months.  The rest took a lot longer, like another year.  I had set backs.  I had times that I gave up for short amounts of time.  The biggest obstacle was working out.  Due to my injuries, I am very limited in the type and amount of exercise I am able to do without making my pain much worse.  Eventually I was able to do it.  I was skinny.  Probably a little to skinny, wearing size 0-2.  My face did not look healthy at that weight. 

Now fast forward a few years, losing the weight did not help my pain control at all.  In fact I think it made it worse, at least mentally it did.  I had all these high hopes of losing weight and feeling better.  It was such a let down when I didn't.  Do not get me wrong, I am very glad I did it.  I needed to do it for my health.  It did not help my depression though.  It only made it worse.

Now as I fall deeper into this depression, I find myself turning more and more to food for comfort.  I don't know why it is so hard for me to talk about this to anyone.  I have gained about 15-20lbs back and while I really think my face looks a lot better, I am not happy at all with my body.  I am not happy that a lot of my cloths do not fit.  I am not happy that I am going back to some extremely bad habits.  I am overeating at mealtime.  I am making very unhealthy choices.  I have been sneaking and hiding food.  I get these overwhelming cravings for bad food.  I really need to get back on track before I end up obese again.

Why is it so hard to ask for help and admit that we are weak?  Why am I so scared to tell my husband, my mother, and my friends what I am going through.  Why do I not trust that they will here to help and support me?