Still a struggle

This week has not been very good.  I had a couple good days.  When I say good days that means a few good hours.  I did have a couple days that I was extremely depressed and couldn't stop crying.  I have a lot on my mind.  Worried about my son and his girlfriend, worried about my husband, worried about his job, worried about my daughter, worried about my mom, worried about everything!!

I did try to tell my husband I was having a hard time, that I was very depressed and didn't know why.  I think I was trying to open the door to just talk about it.  Bless his heart though, he doesn't know.  I get so wishy washy, that I cannot blame him.  I will get mad at him for bugging me and then I get mad at him for leaving me alone.  Sometimes he just cannot win.  He did try to help by getting me out of the house for a few hours a couple of nights. 

I have an appointment with my work comp doctor tmro.  I had planned on asking him to put me back on the anti-depressants.  Well my attorney called me yesterday and told me that we are about to settle the mental health portion of my claim.  That means they will not cover any of those meds once it is settled.  So that is pointless to start if I can only take them for a month or less.  This was upsetting but settling this part of the claim is something that we really need to do.

I don't understand how I can spend so much time laying in bed but not sleep.  It is like my brain doesn't even shut off.  I take sleeping pills at night and IF i am lucky they are good for 3 hours of sleep but that is about it.  I am just so tired all the freaking time.  I never have any energy for anything.  I am soooo tired of being tired. 

Yesterday, today and so on

Yesterday was our 14 year wedding anniversary.  We didn't do anything special.  That is ok.  We already got each other gifts earlier and being a Monday makes it difficult.  Also our anniversary is the same day as two of our very good friends birthdays so we usually end up doing birthday stuff.  We went out to dinner with a large group of friends for one of our friends birthday.  Again it was nice to see our friends.  They were all very pleasant and sweet to us.

We were suppose to go out Saturday night for our other friends birthday.  I had planned on doing it all week.  I ended up sleeping the entire day and not waking up until it was to late.  I have been suffering from horrible sinus headaches.  I felt very bad for missing it.

The last few weeks have been up and down.  For the most part I have been doing "better" then usual.  The depression is still there.  It is always there. I know it always will be.  It is the anxiety and panic attacks that I cannot handle. Especially when I am home alone.  I get so overwhelmed with fear, panic, stress, I will litterally hide.  The thing that freaks me out the most about this is there is nothing that triggers it.  It just happens for no apparent reason.  It is usually only if I am alone or in a large crowd.

I know part of the reason that the last few weeks have been better is because I have my zanax to take.  When I am out of the zanax then it gets really bad.  I am going to talk to the doctor about giving me more and going back on the anti-depressants again.  I hate the side effects of them but it is now to the point that I am barely able to get out of bed any more.  I want to get back into the land of the living again.  I feel like I just exist right now and I am no good to anyone, especially the ones that need me most.  I hate these feelings.

I need to write more.  I think it couldn't hurt.

Last night & Friends

I went out last night to a bar and saw my friends.  This is really good for me.  I use to be a social person. In the last almost 2 years a lot has changed.  I have been really struggling with depression.  I have become very anti-social.  This has put a huge strain on the relationships I have with my friends.  They just don't get it and I do not fault them at all for that.  This is completely my fault because I chose not to share with them what is really going on with me. It is not their problem.  I am a very private person.  I do not like to talk about my problems at all.  It is not that I am ashamed.  It is just to painful to talk about.  I am very guarded and I do not trust easily.  I don't even talk to my husband about this.  I don't want to drag them down with my problems.  I don't want to stand there when we are out to have good time crying.  I can't talk about this without crying, ever.  It is now to the point that it is extremely difficult for me to put on that fake happy face and act like everything is fine.  I hate being that fake person.  So mostly I never go out anywhere or do anything.  Between the pain, headaches and depression it takes everything I have just to make it through the day. 

I did have a good time last night with my friends.  I have not seen them in months.  I almost always do have a good time when I am with them, so they are not the issue.  It really is me.  I really hope they know that.  I tell them that.  They use to invite us to stuff all the time and we would go sometimes, but now they have pretty much stopped inviting us.  That does kinda hurt.  Even though we don't always go it still makes me feel good to be invited or included, you know not forgotten.  I cannot use generalities for all of them because some are better then others.  It just hurts more when coming, or not coming,  from some then others.  Does that make sense?  I guess that old saying is true out of sight out of mind.  I do know one thing for sure I really have no room to complain because I have in NO way been a model of what a good friend is.  I know that it is a two way street of give and take.  I just have zero energy right now for any relationships.  It takes everything I have to sustain my relationships with my husband and my family.

Saturday for the most was a good day.  I either sleep or laid in bed all day.  This is pretty normal for me.  I did get up do the dishes, make dinner and get ready to go out.  We went out and stayed the entire time.  We didn't leave early.  We often leave early because I get panic attacks, headaches, or just want to leave.  So I would say all and all Saturday goes in the plus column.  I hope I have more of those days.