Last night & Friends

I went out last night to a bar and saw my friends.  This is really good for me.  I use to be a social person. In the last almost 2 years a lot has changed.  I have been really struggling with depression.  I have become very anti-social.  This has put a huge strain on the relationships I have with my friends.  They just don't get it and I do not fault them at all for that.  This is completely my fault because I chose not to share with them what is really going on with me. It is not their problem.  I am a very private person.  I do not like to talk about my problems at all.  It is not that I am ashamed.  It is just to painful to talk about.  I am very guarded and I do not trust easily.  I don't even talk to my husband about this.  I don't want to drag them down with my problems.  I don't want to stand there when we are out to have good time crying.  I can't talk about this without crying, ever.  It is now to the point that it is extremely difficult for me to put on that fake happy face and act like everything is fine.  I hate being that fake person.  So mostly I never go out anywhere or do anything.  Between the pain, headaches and depression it takes everything I have just to make it through the day. 

I did have a good time last night with my friends.  I have not seen them in months.  I almost always do have a good time when I am with them, so they are not the issue.  It really is me.  I really hope they know that.  I tell them that.  They use to invite us to stuff all the time and we would go sometimes, but now they have pretty much stopped inviting us.  That does kinda hurt.  Even though we don't always go it still makes me feel good to be invited or included, you know not forgotten.  I cannot use generalities for all of them because some are better then others.  It just hurts more when coming, or not coming,  from some then others.  Does that make sense?  I guess that old saying is true out of sight out of mind.  I do know one thing for sure I really have no room to complain because I have in NO way been a model of what a good friend is.  I know that it is a two way street of give and take.  I just have zero energy right now for any relationships.  It takes everything I have to sustain my relationships with my husband and my family.

Saturday for the most was a good day.  I either sleep or laid in bed all day.  This is pretty normal for me.  I did get up do the dishes, make dinner and get ready to go out.  We went out and stayed the entire time.  We didn't leave early.  We often leave early because I get panic attacks, headaches, or just want to leave.  So I would say all and all Saturday goes in the plus column.  I hope I have more of those days.