Yesterday was our 14 year wedding anniversary. We didn't do anything special. That is ok. We already got each other gifts earlier and being a Monday makes it difficult. Also our anniversary is the same day as two of our very good friends birthdays so we usually end up doing birthday stuff. We went out to dinner with a large group of friends for one of our friends birthday. Again it was nice to see our friends. They were all very pleasant and sweet to us.
We were suppose to go out Saturday night for our other friends birthday. I had planned on doing it all week. I ended up sleeping the entire day and not waking up until it was to late. I have been suffering from horrible sinus headaches. I felt very bad for missing it.
The last few weeks have been up and down. For the most part I have been doing "better" then usual. The depression is still there. It is always there. I know it always will be. It is the anxiety and panic attacks that I cannot handle. Especially when I am home alone. I get so overwhelmed with fear, panic, stress, I will litterally hide. The thing that freaks me out the most about this is there is nothing that triggers it. It just happens for no apparent reason. It is usually only if I am alone or in a large crowd.
I know part of the reason that the last few weeks have been better is because I have my zanax to take. When I am out of the zanax then it gets really bad. I am going to talk to the doctor about giving me more and going back on the anti-depressants again. I hate the side effects of them but it is now to the point that I am barely able to get out of bed any more. I want to get back into the land of the living again. I feel like I just exist right now and I am no good to anyone, especially the ones that need me most. I hate these feelings.
I need to write more. I think it couldn't hurt.
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